Innes Fan

x R.I.P. John x

2005-09-26T23:59:00.000+01:00

For a few years I’ve been preparing myself for my grans death. I’ve never had anyone close to me die so I figured I should be ready, well I know that that’s impossible but I thought facing the fact it will happen was better than pretending it won’t. I always thought she would be the first person I lost. I’ve been so afraid of how I will react when that day comes.

Today is the day of me losing someone close. It wasn’t my gran but my brother-in-law. I am devastated. I can’t stop crying. My sister is devastated, the whole family is. So many calls tonight offering thoughts and prayers and help if it’s needed.

The image of my brother-in-law lying on the living-room floor will stay with me forever. I simply wasn’t ready for that. I thought they'd taken him away. I’d never seen a dead body before and pray I never do again, especially not of someone I love.

I stayed upstairs with the four kids until his body was taken away. The image of my sister with her four kids around her on the couch is heartbreaking. The littlest niece doesn’t understand, she’s too young. I don’t know if she’s old enough to remember him in the years to come. The twins are old enough to understand but I’m not sure they comprehend it all yet. The oldest niece is old enough to understand and feel the pain. She was the one that found her dad this morning. I wish I could take that away from her.

I’ve been unable to stop the tears all day. Just when I think I’ve stopped it starts again. Seeing my dad fighting back tears a couple of times made it all the worse. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry. He loved John as a son.

My work has been brilliant. They said I can take as much time as I need. Tomorrow is my day off anyway and I said to them that I’d be in on Wednesday. The asst. manager was on a conference call when I went in but I spoke to our team leader. He was so nice. I was almost in tears again. The boss is off this week but the asst. manager txt me to tell me not to come in on Wednesday. I said I’d be in on Thursday. He was nice enough to txt back and say he was there if I ever need to chat.

I love my sister and wish more than anything I could bring her husband back. She’s a widow at 34 years old. My brother-in-law was about to celebrate his 31st birthday. He shouldn’t be gone.

He was a good guy…he loved my sister so much and was a good dad to the kids. I don’t think I could love him more even if we were flesh and blood. I miss him already.

Lost

2005-09-13T02:25:00.000+01:00

She sat alone. Hopelessly lost. Inside her heart was beating but she could not feel it. She felt nothing inside. She sat alone. She waited for something. Anything. Pain. Happiness. Sadness. Death even, if it meant she felt something. Secrets built. In time there was nothing inside except secrets. There was no room for love. There was no room for pain. There was no room for anything. But like all things there was a limit. So many secrets but space was running out. If she didn't release some soon they would spill over. What if the secrets spilled in a place she did not want them to? She would need to find someone. Someone to tell her secrets too. Someone she could trust. Is there such a person? No she thought. So alone she sits. Alone she stares. Lost in herself. She's not spoken a word for almost seven years. Lost in herself. Devoured by secrets. Forgotten in time...she sits alone.

This Constant

2005-08-14T16:52:00.000+01:00

I have this constant need
An urge for more than I know
I have this constant fear
An undenying loss is here

My Oldest Niece Made Me Something

2005-08-09T23:42:00.000+01:00

I’m not big on revealing my real name online. I don’t know why but I’ve always been funny about people online knowing it. However, when your oldest niece makes you something you have to display it. I have pics she’s drawn for me over the years up in my room. Now she’s making stuff online so I have to ‘put it up’ too.

I made it smaller so it fits better on here. I love that kid. I call her a kid but she's actually a young woman now. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Managers

2005-08-07T14:14:00.000+01:00

The New Guy

New manager started on Monday. He seems OK. The week went really well and so unbelievably fast. We hardly had any staff all week so I was constantly on the go. There was no time for resting or taking it easy.

He does seem nice and all but I was very surprised that he asked SL to take out her piercing. Its company policy but our old manager was fine with it because it was one small one and as long as she took it out if she were in when our managers boss came in it was cool. Mmm, I knew/know there would/will be changes with a new manager but that caught me by surprise. If something so small and simple can be changed what is gonna be next?

The Old Guy

CH and I went to see our old manager. It was really nice seeing him. He’s only been gone a few weeks but we all really miss him. I miss his stories. I miss the accent and not being able to understand a word he is saying to me and having to say ‘What?’ ‘Excuse me?’ ‘Say that again’ over and over again at him. He was a very supportive boss and gave lots of encouragement. I MISS HIM.

Important Guys

While CH and I were in Edinburgh seeing our old manager we went shopping. Well, why not? I’m not really a girly girl and don’t really do the whole ‘lets go into this clothes and/or accessory shop’ every time we pass one. We were heading along Princes Street when ‘You’re Beautiful’ was blaring out a shop. I said that we HAD to go and listen to it, there’s a very good reason for it, I will probably explain about that at some point. But anyway, we goes in (it’s the same company we work for just a much, MUCH bigger branch) and this wee conversation happened…

ME: C, look it’s the Managing Directors.
CH: (Looking around) Yeah, right.
ME: No seriously, right there. There they are. Look right in front of you. Straight ahead.
CH: OMG. (Completely shocked) I thought you were kidding. What do we do?
ME: I don’t know. We could look about and pretend not to see them.
CH: Should we go and say hi to CT (our boss’s boss)?
ME: I’m not sure. I don’t know what you’re supposed to do.

I was just going to wonder off but CH walks right up to them. CT was really nice and asked if we had been to see our old boss. We said we had. CT introduced us to the Managing Directors. We so didn’t know what to do. We shook hands and smiled politely.

Later CH and I went over it. We think we represented our branch well. We didn’t say anything stupid or do anything stupid. It wasn’t too bad. CH was so sure I was pulling her leg about the Managing Director, lol. There again like I said to her if it had been the other way round and I hadn’t seen them and she was saying that to me I probably would have had the same reaction.

Very strange day but an extremely fun one.

I Don't Ask For Help But Tonight I Need It

2005-07-31T00:50:00.000+01:00

I am in complete distress right now. I’ve already hurt myself really badly and I wanna keep going. I don’t really want too but the pain inside is just too bad not too.

I hurt and hate me. It’s not fair on me I know but that’s how I am. I’ve been made to feel like I have to apologise for who I am and why should I? Maybe because I’m such a moron? Maybe because I thought I could have a moment of happiness? Maybe because I knew all along that I’d throw it all away and end up right where I am?

Life is hard. I am strange. It’s not a good combination.

I need to throw the razor blades away. I need to bandage up my arm better and take the razor blades out to the bucket outside so I can’t get at them anymore.

I’ve been posting all over the place to try and take my mind off harming but it’s not working. I’ve posted so much crap at another couple of journals. Why do I have so many? I’ve deleted a couple that I wasn’t really using anymore but still have a few.

I need to keep busy or I’m gonna go too far. I’ve harmed so much in the past that my arm takes forever to heal. It’s gonna get to a point where it won’t even heal, if I keep this up I’ll have to go to hospital and I’d rather slit my wrists than do that.

Not all life is bad. Just mine. It will get better, even if just for a little while. I need to keep telling myself that. If I don’t and don’t convince myself of it goodness knows what the hell will become of me.

Back To Work

2005-07-26T00:14:00.000+01:00

I can’t believe how fast this past week has gone. It’s always the same though when you have a week of work.

I have to admit today did go in really quickly, I am very happy to say. Most times the first day back drags and you just pray for the day to end.

SL was in today and it’s always a good day when she is in. She’s one of the weekend girls but because of sickness and staff members going to bigger stores or getting demoted we needed a bit of extra help. SL being in definitely helped make the day go in quicker; she’s a lot of fun and very nice.

I hope the week goes in as quickly as today.

In Britain…

2005-07-22T23:19:00.000+01:00

…you are never more than 72 miles from the sea.

Laura Innes

2005-07-19T18:52:00.000+01:00

I'm a huge Laura Innes fan.
She is one of the finest actresses around.

Poker

2005-07-19T17:58:00.000+01:00

I bought Poker chips and a Poker book on Saturday. I’m lovin’ ‘em. I’m pretty good at it. I’m not saying that I’m an expert or anything but so far I’ve done pretty well. There’s been no playing for money but that could happen soon. I don’t think I want it to go that way though. Its fun right now but I know it would get too serious if money were involved.

Poker is a game I’ve longed to learn to play. I’m happy I can check it off as something else I’ve done that I’ve wanted to do for a while.

Somthing New

2005-07-19T00:00:00.000+01:00

I'm off work for a week so thought I'd create an online journal. I already have one on another server but I feel I need something new. I need a change.

I want this to be a place to leave my thoughts. Some will be random, possibly non-coherent, ramblings. Some will be my views on life/love/the world or whatever really.

I'll also post some lyrics/fan fiction/poems and anything else creative I come up with. I don't see the point in having a different journal for everything. I want one that will encompass it all. This hopefully will be the last journal I ever create. I will still keep the one I have because of a special friend that I have made there.

Well this is the end of my first post on my last ever journal.